Fright Fest
by dead drifter
Summary: crack!Akatsuki Halloween! Or is it?
1. Prologue

Fright Fest

Summary: crack!Akatsuki Halloween! Or is it?

A/N: A little late for a Halloween story. But I promise you, read to the end, and things will make sense. Or not. Oh, and please be sure to vote in my poll, it will determine what I update next, okay?

Disclaimer: Written by me, with lots of little ideas thrown in courtesy of Renren (PurpleWolfStar35). Also, there are references to lots of other things that I do not own. Like Pledge, Gumby, Christopher Walken, Harry Potter, Twilight, Full Metal Alchemist, Mortal Kombat, Sleepy Hollow and a load of other things I can't think to name. Oh, and I don't own Naruto, blah blah blah.

xxx

Prologue

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A kunoichi, scantily clad in her underwear and an oversized T-shirt, scrambled up the stairs, sobbing, barely able to keep her footing. She reached the landing, and glanced behind her. The kunoichi's eyes widened and she shrieked, getting drunkenly to her feet and bolting for the nearest room. Someone...or rather, something, was chasing her, though only the kunoichi could see it. The girl raced through a long hallway, tripped over a rug, and crashed to her knees.

A massive arm ending in impossibly long talons swiped at the girl, narrowly missing her head and coming away with just a scratch to her cheek. The kunoichi screamed again and lept to her feet. The beast howled in rage when it missed the girl again as she sped toward a door at the end of the corridor. The girl tried the knob, and it wouldn't budge. Screaming in frustration, she shook it violently, but to no avail. The beast lumbered closer, growling in what could have been amusement.

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!" the girl warned. The monster answered with a gravelly chuckle. It was almost upon her now...its heavy footfalls matching the rhythm of the girl's heart. In one last effort to survive, the kunoichi gathered the remaining few ounces of her chakra into her arm...and punched the beast as hard as she could. The monster slid backwards a few feet. Not very impressive, but it bought her time. She pushed the door off its hinges, and ran inside. She saw brilliant sunshine coming in through the window on the far wall, and knew she'd be safe outside.

The girl ran to the window, and pushed on it, but it was stuck.

"Shit!" she screamed, her fingers squeaking on the glass as she struggled with it. The kunoichi tried to focus more chakra, but she was drained. A hot, putrid breath blew at the back of her neck, and she knew that this was it. Everything faded to black as the beast began to rip the girl to shreds...the girl's screams continuing into the credits that began to roll.

xxx

Pein sat there, in his living room, transfixed on the screen. He couldn't bring himself to move off the couch. He'd just witnessed a theatrical account (based on a true story, it claimed) of the Ninja Snacker. Its sole purpose was to eat ninja, shinobi and kunoichi alike. And the way it was summoned...Pein shuddered.

And then the phone rang.

The self proclaimed god stared at the phone, scared shitless. Just like in the movie...could it really, really be true? Pein slowly slid off the couch and tiptoed cautiously to the ringing phone. His hand hovered over it, sweat broke out on Pein's face, and he very slowly, very carefully picked it up, and pushed 'talk.'

"H-hello?" Pein answered. Heavy breathing and what sounded like static met his ears. Then...

"You will die in seven days." CLICK.

Pein stood there with the phone to his ear, unable to speak, unable to do anything but listen to the flat tone.

Holy shit.

The Ninja Snacker...was real. He was fucked.


	2. Day 1

Fright Fest

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Day 1

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Pein wondered what to do. He knew his days were numbered, but the other Akatsuki still had their lives to live. He had to keep calm, and go on as if nothing had happened. Of course, he had to destroy the tape, so no one else would see it, and be condemned to his same fate. That was what he was doing now, as he stood before the washer and dryer in the laundry room. Socks and Konan's panties always seemed to disappear into the space between dimensions in the dryer, so why not put a tape in there? It seemed the most logical way to be rid of the thing.

The Akatsuki leader opened up the dryer to find that Kisame's clothes were in there. He hastily took them out, tossing them on the floor, and put the tape carefully inside. He snapped the door shut, turned the dial onto 'more dry' and was about to press 'start,' but hesitated. He opened the dryer door again, glaring at the little black tape set on the bottom, then snatched up some dirty socks from Kakuzu's dirty clothes basket. He threw them in with the tape, closed the lid and pressed 'start.'

Listening to the tape tumble around in the dryer, Pein smiled. Soon, that sound would disappear, and the tape would be gone, sucked into the unknown place where car keys, socks and porn magazines went.


	3. Day 2

Fright Fest

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Day 2

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Pein heard a familiar scream. A girl's scream. And it wasn't Deidara or Konan either. The God of Akatsuki jumped out of bed, running down the stairs. No. It couldn't be. He sent it to the space between dimensions.

When he reached the living room and saw that the rest of his crew were seated around the TV, watching a girl try to escape the Ninja Snacker, Pein screamed with the girl. Now they were all fucked.

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Pein wailed, and when the phone rang, he yelped like he'd been doused in hot oil and ran out of the room. Kakuzu answered the phone, listened for a moment, nodded, then gave the phone to Hidan.

"What is this shit?" Hidan asked, holding the phone well away from his ear. Kakuzu sighed.

"It's for you, dumb ass. Just answer it."

Hidan didn't take the news that he'd die in seven days well.

"FUCK YOU, I'M A JASHIN'S WITNESS, I'M ABOVE DEATH, I'M IMMORTAL! YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME, WHORE!"

Hidan pushed 'end' and threw the phone across the room. It rang again, and everyone stared at it. Pein peeked into the living room, staring at the phone along with the others.

"Is anyone...going to get that?" Kisame asked. No one answered. Kakuzu glared at the shark nin.

"What? I don't want to die in a week!" Kisame whined.

"It's just the landlord. Answer it, or he'll think we're not paying him."

Konan narrowed her eyes at the elder zombie twin.

"I thought you paid the rent?"

"I wrote the check. Deidara was supposed to mail it."

All eyes turned to Deidara, who had his hands up.

"Don't try to blame it on me, I gave the letter to Tobi to mail! I was um...busy. Un."

"But Deidara-senpai," Tobi began (yelling a bit over the ringing phone that no one would answer), I went with you to the post office! And you set that ticking box on the counter, and then you ran out, and the post office exploded!"

"Shut up Tobi, un!" Deidara picked up the phone and threw it at Tobi's mask. Kakuzu rose slowly to his feet, shooting a vicious glare at the resident suicide bomber.

"Are you telling me..." Kakuzu hissed, "that you blew up...the check...for the rent?"

Deidara's eyes went wide.

"I think I'll answer the phone," Kisame said quietly, plucking it out of Tobi's lap.

"Un...can't you just...you know...write another one?"

Kakuzu shot his right arm off and wrapped his fingers around Deidara's throat.

"...our rent is late...we could be kicked out...because of you...." Kakuzu growled through gritted teeth.

Kisame handed the phone to Itachi, who held it upside down, and lunged at Kakuzu, wrestling him to the ground.

"This is going to be a long week," Konan sighed.


	4. Day 3

Fright Fest Chapter 4

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Day 3

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Seeing as the entire organization was either going to die, or get kicked out of their house, they decided to go ahead with their master plan: to throw the biggest Halloween party ever. They had to outdo Orochimaru's Monster Mash Bash, in any case. The first step was to come up with a name. So, they retired to the conference room AKA kitchen, and plotted.

"Pumpkin Party!" Tobi squealed.

"Why, so you can blend in for once?" Hidan scoffed. Tobi cocked his head.

"Nightmare on Elm Street," Zetsu suggested.

"...we do live on Elm Street," Konan agreed, "but I don't know. Pein, why do we have to have a name for our party?"

"Because all amazing things need names."

"And Orochimaru's party has a really good name," Kisame said. Pein glared.

"What?" Kisame shrugged. "It's true."

"Fright Fest," Sasori piped up. Pein nodded slowly as the name sank in.

"It's simple..."

"It's effective..."

"It's settled. Fright Fest. Next topic on the agenda," Konan said smoothly, shuffling papers in front of her.


	5. Day 4

Fright Fest Chapter 5

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Day 4

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"...this isn't my tooth brush," Itachi said darkly to the roll of toilet paper in his hand.


	6. Day 5

Fright Fest Chapter 6

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Day 5

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Pein looked at the calendar in dismay.

"What happened to day four?" he whispered to no one in particular.

paper in his hand.


	7. Day 6

Fright Fest Chapter 7

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Day 6

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The living room of the Akatsuki home base was dark save for the flickering light emanating from the big screen TV. Pein sat, transfixed, before it, a bowl of candy corn at his side. He was so still one would suspect that perhaps he had saved the Ninja Snacker the trouble, and killed himself, but the hand diving every so often into the bowl to fetch the candy proved otherwise.

Pein had been there for nearly three hours, alone, in the dark, just him, a muted television, and a bowl of candy. This was his vacation. No bitching, no random explosions, no beast threatening to eat him... yes indeed, it was like Heaven on Earth. Or, it was, up until the very moment that Pein's fingers reached the bottom of his bowl. Not wanting to face the inevitable, Pein kept his eyes glued to the TV screen as he felt around the sides of the bowl, hoping to come across one of the blessed tri-colored candies. No luck. His hand was no longer buried in the autumn delicacy that is candy corn. Pein glanced down to double check. Yep. Out of candy. This... was a problem.

The leader set the bowl carefully on the coffee table in front of him, took a deep breath, and screamed as loud as he could.

"KOOOOONAAAAAAAAN!"

Upstairs, a door slammed. Then, a paper whirlwind zipped down the stairs, and a few seconds later, Konan stood there, slightly out of breath, eyes blazing with anger.

"Yes?" she spat.

Pein raised his eyebrows as if it were obvious. To stress his point, he pointed to his bowl.

"Candy's gone."

"So get more."

Again with the look. Konan rolled her eyes and stalked over to the light switch and flicked it on. Pein flinched and shielded his eyes.

"I don't know why you sit in the dark all the time. It's bad for your eyes. And you have six sets to worry about."

"Just… get me more candy, will you?" Pein asked.

"Get it yourself. I'm busy."

"Busy?" Pein inquired, getting to his feet. "Doing what?"

Konan smiled knowingly.

"You'll see."

"No really, what are you doing up there? And where is everyone?"

"Well, everyone's out shopping except Sasori and Kakuzu."

"…Shopping?"

"Yeah. For the party supplies."

"…Party?!"

"Pein. You really need to lay off the sugar. It's gone to your head. The party… remember? You said we were going to outdo Orochimaru this year?"

"Oh… right. THAT party. What about the haunted dungeon idea?"

"Sasori's working on it as we speak."

"And Kakuzu?"

"He's upstairs in my room."

There was an awkward silence and Konan let it linger on purpose. She enjoyed watching the gears turn in Pein's head.

"Doing…?"

"Kakuzu's making costumes, moron," Konan drawled. "What did you think he was doing up there?"

Pein frowned, scratching his chin.

"But…" he began slowly, "why your room?"

"It's bigger, and there isn't blood all over the place," Konan answered, heading for the stairway.

"Now come on, I'll show you your costumes."

With that, Konan tugged at Pein's sleeve and dragged him up the stairs.

xx

Laid neatly on Konan's bed were dwarf costumes and a princess dress, among other outfits. Pein eyed the costumes with apprehension.

"So, my idea was, we could be Snow White and the six dwarfs, instead of seven. What do you think? Aren't these hats adorable?"

"...NO."

"Well too bad," a deep voice growled from the corner, "that's what you're wearing at the party."

Pein narrowed his Rinnegan eyes at Kakuzu, who could barely be seen because of the piles of fabric stacked beside his work station. The Akatsuki leader spotted a fabulous purple velvet pirate hat atop the pile, complete with a decorative plume.

"So who gets to wear THAT?"

Kakuzu looked up from the shirt he was hemming briefly to grunt "Me" before returning to his work.

"Why does Kakuzu get a pimp hat while I have to be a damned elf?"

"Dwarf," Konan corrected.

"So, may I ask, what costumes the rest of the gang are being forced into?" Pein snapped. Konan tapped her chin in thought.

"Hidan's going to be the headless horseman..."

"Doesn't surprise me," Pein said.

"Sasori's an owl..."

"Not going to ask."

"Deidara's Edward Elric..."

"Don't know who that is."

Konan narrowed her eyes at Pein.

"You sad, sad little man. Anyway, as I was saying. Zetsu is Pac Man, Tobi's Sasuke, Kisame's a ninja and... well Itachi went out to buy his own costume, so we don't know what he will be yet."

Pein had more questions about why a ninja would dress as a ninja and why anyone would want to be an Uchiha, but decided to hold his tongue. Some things just weren't meant to be answered.

xx

Sasori regretted recruiting Kakuzu's masked demons to help him with the preparations for the haunted dungeon. For one thing, they had no brains, so even the most elementary of directions proved near impossible. For another, the only person they did listen to was upstairs stitching together the cheapest costumes ever made. If the things were simply stupid, it would have been tolerable. But one particular smily demon had taken a romantic interest in Sasori's beloved Kazekage puppet.

Had Sasori known about this particular detail, he never would have dressed the puppet up as a corpse and propped it up behind the door, an easy target for the oversexed monstrosity. As soon as Sasori had set the Kazekage in place, Mr. Chiclets, as the other Akatsuki so lovingly called him, rushed to the puppet and started to hump with such force that it knocked the Kazekage over.

Sasori tried to both prevent the puppet from falling and keep the monster away, but to no avail. He was forced to lock the Kazekage in the little cupboard under the stairs while Mr. Chiclets scratched and whined at the door.

Fuming over the damages the demon's failed love making caused, Sasori decided to try one last time to get the remaining three to actually follow directions. But it was futile. Sasori sighed in dismay at the monsters, who had become tangled in the fake spider webbing and were snapping and growling at each other.

The ex Sand nin tied Mr. Chiclets up with his brothers and stalked away to sit in a dark corner, a random can of Pledge furniture polish suddenly in his hand. It was about time the puppet had a break.

xx

"I can't believe I'm wearing tights," Pein said. His six bodies looked around the room, catching brief, embarrassed glimpses at one another, then quickly glancing away.

To the leader's horror, the remaining Akatsuki chose that very moment Pein was trying on his costumes to return home. They heard his shriek of agony from seeing himself, and rushed upstairs...to find six metal studded dwarfs in tights, a gothic princess and a pimp zombie, the latter two trying hard not to laugh.

When Tobi gasped, pointed dramatically at the six Peins and screamed "OH MY GOD THE GARDEN GNOMES ARE INVADING!" Kakuzu lost it, literally busting out of his seams and toppling out of sight. It looked like the mountain of fabric he'd fallen behind was laughing. The rest of the Akatsuki burst into laughter a second after Kakuzu.

"What...is going on?" Kisame, the only one who wasn't laughing, asked. Well, Itachi wasn't laughing either, but that's because he was wearing a ski mask backwards, and so, he couldn't properly appreciate the absurdity of Pein's dainty tights and buckled shoes.

"So...hehe...Leader-sama..." -snort- "...what's up, un?"

Pein suddenly had one of his weird sticks in hand, and pointed it at Deidara.

"Crack any jokes, and I'll shove this in a place where the sun don't shine."

The blond snapped his mouth shut, simultaneously looking terrified, interested and amused.

"When Kakuzu comes to, he'll give costumes to the rest of you. Now, if you'll excuse me."

The six Peins held their heads high as they exited the bedroom, the giggling of the other Akatsuki following them out.

Sasori peered around his sewing machine to see that Kakuzu was dead, having laughed himself to death. At least temporarily. The puppet decided to let the zombie be, and looked at the costumes laid out on Konan's bed. Most of the costumes looked like normal costumes...except for the suit of feathers. That particular costume worried him.

"Guess which one's yours?" Konan asked right behind him.

The demonic grin on her face made Sasori fear for the worst. He started to point to the children's outfit when Deidara snatched it up.

"Oh my God, un, who gets to be Uchiha Sasuke, un?"

Konan's grin widened, her face reminiscent of the Cheshire Cat.

"Congratulations, brat."

Konan's face shattered.

"Wait, no he's not Sasuke. Tobi is."

Konan pointed to the masked moron, who until now had been pouring the contents of a Kool-Aid packet down his eyehole.

"Huh? Did someone call Tobi?"

"Yes. Your costume," Konan said, gesturing to the bed.

"Ooh, yay! Tobi gets to be an Uchiha!"

Konan, who knew what was underneath that mask, sweat dropped.

"Uh...yeah."

"But isn't that going to confuse Itachi-san?" Kisame asked. Konan shrugged as Tobi picked up the Konoha headband and tied it around his head.

Deidara leaned in to the shark nin.

"Sh. If Itachi mistakes that asshole for Sasuke and kills him, all the better for us, un."

"But Itachi-san is already unbalanced. Seeing his brother might be too much for his fragile mind. Did you see what he picked out for his own costume?" Kisame inquired.

Deidara chuckled.

"I sure did, un. I can't wait until Halloween!"

Kisame sniffled.

"You're a cruel, cruel little man."

"Thanks, un. I try."

"So, who gets to be big bird?" Sasori asked, hoping that somehow, the cool looking coat and gloves were for him. But Konan's cheshire grin was back, and her dainty little hand pointed to the repulsive feather suit.

"No..." Sasori said hollowly.

"Yes. And it's not a big bird costume, it's an owl."

Sasori finally noticed the little hood with the ears. Ah. So it was true.

"Put it on, danna! I bet you look cute in it, un!" Deidara said. Sasori glowered, but he reluctantly slipped it on. He put the hood over his head, and Deidara and Konan both squealed like the girls they were.

"SO KAWAII!" Konan and Deidara shrieked in unison.

"...I hate you all."

"It took forever to get all those feathers on, so you better like it," Kakuzu growled, brushing himself off as he stood up.

"Back with the living, I see," Sasori drawled.

"Don't get smart with me. Be grateful I don't have to alter your body to make your costume work. Like with Hidan. Where is he, anyway?"

"Someone call me?" Hidan asked, peeking his head into the room.

"Where'd you go?" Kisame regretted his question as soon as he saw a beheaded chicken in Hidan's hand. Blood was pooling on the floor at his feet.

"To pray. Duh. So, where's my fucking costume? I ain't got all day."

"Right over here..." Kakuzu's eyes gleamed with malice.

The costume looked much like Kakuzu's pirate costume, with its dark heavy coat, gloves and buckled boots. Hidan looked surprised.

"It actually doesn't look too...bad. Fuck, I even get a sword."

"So what am I supposed to be?"

"A...horseman."

"Seriously?"

"...yeah."

Kakuzu looked suspicious, but Hidan shrugged and grabbed up the costume and its accessories, then walked away, still dripping blood everwhere.

"When are you going to tell him that he's the _Headless _Horseman?"

Kakuzu smiled. It was a truly frightening sight.

"When indeed."

Deidara was ecstatic about being Edward Elric, and Kisame nearly wet himself at the Sub Zero ninja outfit he was given...but Zetsu stood there, staring at an empty bed.

"Where's my costume?" he sounded sad, and his white side started to cry.

"Oh, I'm so sorry Zetsu! I forgot!" Konan exclaimed, tripping over her long skirt to get to her dresser. She looked confused, searching her cluttered dresser for something. She tossed piles of neatly folded clothes on the floor.

"I thought it was right here...."

"What are you looking for?" Zetsu asked.

"A yellow can," Konan answered. Sasori would have blushed, if he had the ability to do so.

"I thought it was Pledge...so I knicked it."

He pulled the can out of his suit, and Konan grabbed it. She shook her head at Sasori, as if she couldn't believe him, then handed the can to Zetsu. He held it with his teeth.

"So what is it?"

"Yellow spray paint. You're going to be Pacman."

"..."

Zetsu melted into the floor, disappearing from sight. If he was angry about the fact that his costume consisted of being spray painted yellow, he didn't show it.

xx

"Ugh, that's really gross, Deidara," Kisame complained, scrunching up his nose in disgust. The blond, who was in the midst of gutting his pumpkin, looked up to the shark nin.

"Why do you say that, Kisame-danna?" Deidara asked over the distinct sound of slurping and chewing. He was using his hand mouths to scoop up the pumpkin innards, but instead of discarding the unwanted stuff in the garbage, he was eating it.

"Isn't it...isn't it obvious?"

Deidara burped, then pulled his hand out. It licked around the palm, smacking its lips. Kisame turned green as the other hand went inside the pumpkin, and the slurping sounds continued.

"Itachi-san, tell him to stop!" moaned Kisame. Itachi was bent over his pumpkin, stabbing at it with a butter knife. No one trusted the Uchiha with a sharp object.

"Blondie. Stop it."

"Make me, un."

Itachi looked up, and at the very first sight of the swirling eyes, Deidara yelped and pulled his hand out, wiping it off on his cloak.

"Good boy," Itachi drawled, and returned to stabbing at his pumpkin.

"Hey," Pein spoke up as he walked into the kitchen with a piece of fluorescent green paper in his hand.

"Anyone seen Tobi lately?"

"Nope," they answered in unison. Pein arched an eyebrow.

"You sure? I need to discuss an important matter with him."

"Huh? With Tobi? Why, un?"

"None of your damned business. If you see him, tell him to come see me."

As if summoned by magic, or one of Pein's mysterious jutsus, a Tobi scream pierced the air. Hidan's pumpkin he'd just started to carve into shook, knocking others out of the way. Hidan would have swore, but his lips were sewn shut, due to back talking Kakuzu no doubt.

"Your pumpkin can talk..." Sasori whispered, and sprayed Pledge furniture polish up his nose.

"Tobi isn't a pumpkin!" the pumpkin said, and the entire table jumped up, as if it had a mind of its own. Deidara dropped his Jack o' Lantern and slunk away just as Kisame peered under the table. Tobi's body was under it. Apparently, someone had cut a hole out of the middle of the table and put Tobi's head through it.

"DEIDARA!"

Pein really didn't need the stress. Not the day before his untimely demise. Letting the blond go, for now, the Rinnegan master helped Tobi pull his head out of the hole, and led the masked idiot away to discuss...things.

"Why do those two always slink off to talk, un? It's like, they have their own private club and we're not invited," Deidara complained loudly. A butter knife sailed through the air, and Deidara barely dodged in time.

"Itachi-san!"

"...mind your own pumpkin, Kisame."

Kisame didn't make eye contact with Itachi for the rest of the evening.


	8. Day 7

Fright Fest

A/N: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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Day 7

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Doom's Day had arrived. The outside of the Akatsuki's humble abode was decked out in all its Walmart-purchased-decorations glory, and the interior wasn't half bad either. Pein unplugged the phones, turned off his cell, and locked himself in his bathroom for the entirety of the day. When the clock struck 5, Konan knocked on Pein's door, announcing that it was almost dark. Begrudgingly, Pein left his sanctuary to face the party...and his death.

"You could just hand out candy with the others," Konan said kindly. Pein, however, shook his head.

"No, I'm the host of the party, I can't spend my last hours outside, away from my guests."

"Good," Konan snapped, polite smile fading into a grimace, "I could use some help with Itachi. He's been following around Tobi all day, and I can't tell if he wants to molest him or snap his neck."

"Probably both."

Konan agreed. Itachi was a sick fuck. And her woman's intuition was telling her that Itachi knew that he was chasing Tobi, and got off on having the masked Uchiha cosplaying as his little brother.

Right on cue, Tobi sped by, screaming "I'M NOT SASUKE-KUN! I'M NOT SASUKE-KUN!" while Itachi was right at his heels, running awkwardly in high heeled boots.

"Er...is Itachi in a...cat woman suit?"

"Yep."

"Well, is he aware of that fact?" Pein wondered, watching the tail pinned to Itachi's ass sway as he disappeared around a corner.

"Nope."

"Just checking."

Deidara suddenly ran into the kitchen just as Pein and Konan entered it. They watched the blond, who was clad in a red coat and black boots, clap his hands together, then form a clay pumpkin. He set it down, and screamed victoriously.

"ALCHEMY IS A BANG, UN!"

Konan and Pein only had a second to exchange identical frightened expressions before...

BOOOM.

The entire house shook, and Pein and Konan were blasted off their feet. Somewhere in the black smoke, Itachi said 'Ow.'

"Itachi-senpai? Can Tobi have his wig back? Tobi needs it."

"Foolish little brother. You need nothing other than my love."

"I can't...believe we survived that," Pein muttered weakly as he got to his feet. He helped Konan up and looked around the disaster area.

"Oh, no! The guests will be arriving any moment now, and the kitchen is in shambles!" Konan, horrified, gasped, looking about her.

"Deidara!" Pein shouted. Deidara snickered in the clearing smoke.

"I'm Edward Elric, un. Full Metal Alchemist."

"I don't care if your name's Captain Jack Sparrow, you're going to clean this up!"

"You called?" a deep voice rang from the stairs. Kakuzu stood there clad in a luxurious purple velvet pirate costume, his flamboyant hat cocked slightly at an angle.

"...I have no response to that."

"You're not a Homunculus, are you, un?"

Pein was outraged.

"Did you just call me a homosexual? Because if you did, then--"

"Pein," Konan broke in, "Homunculus. An artificial human."

"...from this silly shounen anime?"

"Yeah."

"Just...don't go around calling people Homo Nuclei, or whatever. It's not decent."

"Un!" Deidara saluted Pein, and started to march away. Konan grabbed Deidara by his braid.

"Clean first. Then go...cause mass chaos," Konan ordered. Deidara pouted, but did as he was told. After all, he didn't want to end up on the wrong end of Konan's paper cut bitch slap no jutsu.

xx

As soon as the streetlights lit up the dark streets, kids started roaming the neighborhood for free candy. In order to prevent the same fiasco as last Halloween, the Akatsuki passed out candy in two man teams, and switched every hour. Kakuzu and Hidan were the first team on duty, and already, things weren't going well.

A trio of boys dressed as pirates walked up to the porch, and stared, awestruck, up at Kakuzu's immaculate costume. Or was it his strange stitched face and eerie eyes they were gawking at? Either way, they were speechless before him. Hidan would have told them to fuck off, but Kakuzu saw this as a business opportunity.

"Pay me ten dollars, and I'll show you a neat trick," Kakuzu announced, grinning. The kids snapped out of their trance and the middle one with a painted on mustache gathered up the courage to actually speak.

"What kind of trick?" the boy asked cautiously. The missing Falls nin flashed them a brilliant smile.

"I'll give you a preview," he answered mysteriously, and detached his left arm. It walked on its fingers like some morbid insect, circling the boys. Kakuzu returned the arm to his body amidst cheering and shrieking. The smallest boy shivered, whimpering. A wet spot formed on the front of his pants, and he bolted. Hidan was on his hands and knees, hacking, he was laughing so hard.

"Oh, fuck, Jashin-sama! Did you see that little shit? He pissed his pants! HA HA HA HA!"

The kid with the fake mustache silently handed Kakuzu a ten dollar bill, and Kakuzu pointed to Hidan, who was unaware that he was about to be...

Kakuzu slid his sword carefully out of his belt, and with one graceful swipe, he'd decapitated Hidan. Blood sprayed like a crimson fountain, and the Trick or Treaters ran in horror. Kakuzu chuckled, catching Hidan's head as it toppled off the neck and shoving it in Hidan's spasming hands.

"I can't believe you fucking did this to me again! Jashin will have you for this, I fucking swear it! Seriously!"

"Quit swearing, there's more kids coming up the driveway."

"...I fucking get it now," Hidan whispered slowly, looking up and down his body.

"Headless Horseman."

Kakuzu smiled and waved at the approaching crew of preteen kids.

"I'm surprised you got it. I should split my ten with you."

"Fuck y...wait, what? You'll give me some of your money?"

"Trick or Treat!" a small princess squealed, holding out a bucket nearly as tall as she was.

"There you go, sweetheart," Kakuzu said sweetly, placing a single Tootsie Roll in her bucket. She looked in it with a crestfallen expression.

"Just...one?"

Kakuzu's creepy grin transformed into a cold grimace.

"The stock market isn't doing well this year. Be grateful I'm giving you anything at all, you spoiled little..."

The girl ran off, crying to her mother who was waiting on the sidewalk.

"I'm going to call the police!" the mother cried. Hidan flicked the woman off.

"When do Sasori and Deidara take over our shift?" Kakuzu sighed. The front door creaked open behind the zombie twins, and Tobi stepped out, his costume torn in places, the hairs of his wig sticking out in strange angles.

"Tobi? What the fuck are you doing out here?"

"Taking him trick or treating," Itachi answered for him as he stepped out as well. Kakuzu looked briefly at Itachi, then away, fighting to stifle his laughter. Hidan, however, pointed and slapped his knee, almost dropping his head in the process.

"Holy fuck, red eye, why are you cat woman?!"

Itachi glared at Hidan, but his eyes remained in their normal state.

"I'm not cat woman, you foolish old man. I am...The Batman."

"You're a delusional fuckface," Hidan snapped. Itachi narrowed his eyes.

"You're dead."

"Okay, time to go, Itachi-senpai!" Tobi suddenly said, miraculously rescuing Hidan from a fate worse than death. Kakuzu watched the masked moron dressed as Sasuke Uchiha as he spun around in front of Itachi, then grabbed his hand.

"I told you to call me 'aniki,'" Itachi insisted, letting Tobi drag him off.

"Do you think Tobi will make it back alive?" Kakuzu asked his partner.

"How the fuck should I know? Maybe Jashin will do us all a favor and put them in the path of a speeding truck."

"If that actually happens, I just might convert," Kakuzu stated thoughtfully, and rationed out Tootsie rolls to the next wave of Trick or Treaters. Hidan dropped his head in surprise.

"Ow! S-seriously?"

"We'll see..."

xx

Guests started arriving to the house at around 6:30 that night. Asuma and Kurenai were among the first, dressed as an Egyptian pharaoh and queen respectively. Kakuzu stopped the two at the door.

"Ten dollars cover charge," Kakuzu said abruptly, holding out his hand. Kurenai started to argue when Asuma cut her off.

"It's not worth it. He'll just raise the price. Here." Asuma slapped a ten in Kakuzu's hand. The missing Falls nin's eyes narrowed.

"Ten dollars a piece."

"This is outrageous! Orochimaru's party is free!" Asuma grumbled, slipping Kakuzu another ten.

"Yeah, but Orochimaru was dressed as Voldemort, and he kept poking everyone with his stick," Kurenai whispered as Kakuzu stepped aside so they could enter the house.

"Oh, and don't get too close to the big yellow plant. It bites," Kakuzu called after them.

"This passing out free candy shit is ridiculous," Hidan whined as he tossed a handful of Mary Janes at a vampire. "When's our shift over?"

"When Sasori and Deidara come outside to relieve us."

"Well they better get their asses out here soon! I need to take a leak, and I think I should pray to Jashin to murder Itachi and that basketball faced doofus. You think that ballerina over there would make a decent virgin sacrifice?" Kakuzu grunted approval without looking up from his money.

"Alright. Well, I'm going after her. Hold the fort down for me, will ya?"

Hidan ran towards the house across the street, where a young girl dressed in a pink tutu was bent down, tying her slipper.

"Why can't we ever behave?" Kakuzu asked himself.

xxx

Konan was taking her Snow White role a bit too far, Pein thought. She had a basket of flowers hanging on her arm and she was frolicking about the house, singing and terrifying Zetsu. The six Peins, dressed as Dopey, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy and Bashful, were encouraged to act out their roles as well. Sleepy Pein had it the easiest. He just curled up on the rug in front of the fireplace and took a nap, ignoring the party guests as they started to fill up the house. Bashful Pein hid upstairs in Konan's bedroom. Dopey Pein, who was the leader, the self proclaimed God, didn't quite know how to act 'dopey,' so he walked around pretending he was under the influence of marijuana. Happy Pein, Sneezy Pein and Grumpy Pein hovered around the punch bowl, all three of them acting rather grumpy.

A hyper teen with bushy eyebrows clad in a Gumby suit also hovered by the punch bowl, leaning all over Grumpy Pein and going on and on about the "springtime of youth" and exclaiming "YOSH!" every time a girl came within ten feet. Grumpy Pein was about to crush the boy's skull when he suddenly called out to a girl, stumbling away as if drunk.

"Sakura-chan! Oi! Whoa...sorry, Satan," the apologized, tripping over Jiraiya's devil tail.

A pink haired girl cosplaying as Little Bo Peep stopped dead, her two companions running into her.

_"I have to go,"_ Sakura whispered darkly and started to walk backwards out the door when her two friends grabbed her by each arm and dragged her forward.

"Sasuke-kun, help me!" she moaned, clinging to the boy dressed as Daffy Duck. He pushed her away and stalked over to a corner to plot his brother's death alone.

"I'll save you, Sakura-chan! Datte bayo!"

_"No_, Naruto." Sakura punched him in the mask (he was dressed as Michael Myers from Halloween) and stomped off, heading for a group of giggling girls, which even the drunk Rock Lee was afraid to approach.

"Killer party," Kankurou slurred, raising his plastic up to Sasori. Or rather, down, since Sasori was a few inches shorter than the young puppeteer wannabe, even with the feather ears on his hood. Sasori glared up at Kankurou, giving his costume a look over. He'd postponed relieving Kakuzu and Hidan of their candy distributing duties because he couldn't figure out what, or who, Kankurou was dressed as, and it was driving him insane. Top hat....long black curly hair...a guitar...he could be a generic rock star, but the top hat made it look as if Kankurou was indeed a specific guitarist.

"Danna, come on already, un. I wanna see the trick or treaters!" Deidara pouted.

"Alchemists don't whine, brat."

_"But danna!"_

"Go wait outside for me then," Sasori snapped.

_"Not by myself!"_

Sasori couldn't stand it anymore. He had to ask him. How...embarrassing.

"What are you supposed to be?" Sasori blurted. Kankurou smiled slyly at the puppet in an owl suit.

"I'm not a what. I'm a who."

"Which person?" Sasori asked, careful to avoid a certain word that he knew, he just _knew_ the second class puppeteer wanted him to use.

Kankurou took a sip of his drink, and started to choke.

Cough. "-Slud-" -cough- "-Uzon-"

"Who?!" Sasori blurted. Deidara snorted. Sasori slapped the blond in the face with a feathered wing and turned to Kankurou again, who was doubled over, laughing amidst his coughing fit.

"Saul..." -giggle- "...Hudson."

"WHO?!"

"Slash, you...moron," Kankurou gasped, still chuckling.

"Who is that?"

Deidara slapped himself this time.

"Danna...you're old, shouldn't you know, un?"

Sasori, in a rare outburst of rage that would make Kakuzu proud, threw himself at Kankurou, throttling him, knocking his top hat off.

_"WHO? WHO? WHOOOOOOOOO?!"_ Sasori screeched. Feathers and strands of hair flew everywhere.

"Hey, man," Dopey Pein slurred, breaking the two up. "Make love, not war, dudes."

xxx

"Thank God you guys are here," Kakuzu announced. "Hidan's taken his costume to heart, and these little punks are demanding more candy. I'm going to kill someone, and since Hidan's not in my immediate kill zone..." Kakuzu trailed off, eying a toddler dressed as a caterpillar with pure loathing. The caterpillar had a pillow case held up high.

"Please sir, I want some more."

"YOU ALREADY GOT TWO TOOTSIE ROLLS AND A DUM DUM SUCKER OUT OF ME, YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY MORE!" Kakuzu bellowed, throwing his bowl of candy down and raising his fist in the air. Bright blue strings suddenly clung to Kakuzu's arm, and forced it down.

"Okay, that's enough."

_"Kuzu angry,_" Kakuzu growled, sounding much like the Incredible Hulk.

"Go in the house," Sasori commanded softly, "and have some punch."

He guided Kakuzu inside with chakra strings, and heaved a sigh of relief once Kakuzu was out of their sight.

"Anger management isn't helping, un."

"Not at all," Sasori agreed. Then did a double take.

"Wait a minute...You're not referring to me, are you?"

Deidara was about to answer, when there was a high pitched cry. Both Akatsuki tensed up, looking to the street.

"Ha ha ha ha! I'll chop off your head!" Kids ducked for cover as a crazed man with his head in one hand and a sword in the other galloped on a horse down the street. Kakuzu had been right. Hidan thought he really was the Headless Horseman.

"I think Christopher Walken was better, un."

"Who?!"

"Hee hee!"

"...shut up, brat."

A familiar duo walked up the drive way and Tobi hopped over the step and onto the porch.

"Tobi wants some candy!"

Deidara pulled the large bowl of candy close to his bosom.

"You live here, un. Go somewhere else." Itachi pushed Tobi gently aside and glared down at Deidara.

"No one denies my foolish little brother pleasure but me," he threatened. Deidara clapped his hands together.

"I'm going to give you to the count of three to get the fuck off our porch. If you don't, I'll blow your pretty face to pieces, un."

Itachi's eyes widened, but not in fear. The commas surrounding his pupils swirled and before Deidara could turn his head or close his eyes, it was too late. Deidara stood there, mouth hanging open, hands falling to his sides.

"Mind fuck," Itachi whispered.

It happened so fast, Sasori could do nothing.

"Great," Sasori sighed, throwing some candy in Tobi's pumpkin bucket.

"YAY!" Tobi exclaimed.

Itachi closed his eyes, and Deidara fell over, Sasori catching him in his white feathery wings.

"Let's go, foolish little brother."

"Mkay!"

xxx

Kisame, this whole time, was downstairs by the door to the basement. He was in charge of the Haunted Dungeon, but it wasn't working out too well. The shark nin was afraid of the dark, Zetsu kept popping up (in all his spray painted yellow glory) and chasing Kisame or the guests, saying "WAKA WAKA WAKA" and gnashing his teeth. So, to say the least, Kisame was rather on edge. The hungry plant had even gone so far as to eat Kisame's Samehada. The shark nin felt extremely alone and vulnerable. And then a duck, Little Bo Peep and Michael Myers approached him. Somehow, the girl scared him the most.

"Is this place really scary?" Naruto asked the shark nin. Kisame's little eyes widened.

"Zetsu's still hungry..."

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Nice costume," the duck scoffed. Naruto lifted up his mask to get a better look at Kisame.

"Oh, I know who you are! Sub Zero from Mortal Kombat, right?"

Kisame seemed to perk up a little.

"Yeah, he's my favorite."

"Raiden's mine! Did you ever see the movie? It was awesome, datte bayo!"

"...this is lame. I'll be outside," Sasuke announced, starting to slink away. Sakura clung to Sasuke, however, forcing him to stay.

"No, Sasuke-kun, you have to protect me!"

"Pfft. Whatever."

"Er...it's two dollars a piece," Kisame said, gesturing to the sign posted on the wall.

"Two dollars?" Sasuke echoed, indignant, "but we already paid ten dollars per person just to get in! I think the dungeon should be free!"

"Datte bayo!"

"But, Kakuzu-san will kill me if I don't get the money!" Kisame insisted, eyes tearing up.

"We'll make you a deal," Sasuke started, smirking up at the shark nin dressed as a fictional ninja.

"Let us in. If we get scared, we'll pay you when we get out. Alri-"

"FALCON PUNCH!" Sakura screamed, knocking Kisame in the face and sending him smashing into the wall.

"You're a bitch," Sasuke muttered, impressed. Sakura smiled and grabbed Sasuke by the arm.

"I know."

Kisame groaned. Zetsu emerged out of the floor and grinned.

_**"Flawless victory,"**_ he said, and started to nibble on Kisame's boot.

xxx

Sasori had given up on trying to restrain Deidara from his spazzes. Whatever Itachi had done to his partner had worn off far too soon. They'd run out of all the decent candy remarkably fast, as the two artists were more generous than the miser and the priest had been. So, to make the stuff last longer, Deidara was making clay look a likes. The only problem was, they were explosive. Somehow, Deidara had managed to make his clay creations explode by clapping his hands Edward Elric style. Each time he did this, he'd yell "Alchemy is a bang, un!"

"You're going to attract the authorities, you know," Sasori droned on, but Deidara was too in the moment to listen.

"Hee hee, I put a shitload of C4 candy corns in that Frankenstein kid's bag. Watch this, un. Three...two...one...BANG!"

Deidara slapped his hands together and there was a massive explosion. Car alarms went off, trick or treaters ran for their lives, and when the smoke cleared, all that was left of the kid with the C4 candy corns...was a crater in the street.

"Well done, brat. We're going to prison."

Sasori sat down on the porch steps, watching Deidara blow children to pieces. Maybe it was time he left the Akatsuki and pursued his dream: to work in a Pledge factory. He'd be the best tester the company had ever seen. Sighing contentedly, the puppet lost himself to his daydreams, until someone stepped on his head.

"Oh, sorry, I thought you were a dummy," a serpentine voice said, snickering. Sasori thought he knew that voice...but when he glanced up at the inconsiderate bastard who was about to be puppetized, he didn't see a snake in ninja's clothing, but a wizard. The pale face and purple eye makeup seemed suspicious, however.

"I heard you were throwing the biggest Halloween party in the land," the evil wizard said. Sasori unruffled his feathers, smoothing his ears.

"Yeah, that's right. But no snakes allowed," Sasori warned. Orochimaru laughed, looking around at his cronies, who all seemed to be dressed in black cloaks. Kabuto stepped forward to protect his master.

"I'm not just any snake, owl," Orochimaru hissed. "I am Lord Voldemort. And these are my beloved Death Eaters." Orochimort gestured to his henchmen. Sasori sighed. This might get ugly.

xxx

"That was the lamest haunted dungeon ever. I want my money back," Sasuke whined as they left the house. Naruto had wanted to stay for the party, but a fight had broken out between a warlock and a giant owl, so they decided it was best to just head to Ichiraku Ramen for a bite to eat and call it a day.

xxx

Sasori managed to bind all of the dark wizard wannabes with chakra strings within minutes. Orochimort and his crew were lined up along the porch like a living display of Harry Potter bondage. Deidara planned on blowing them all up (of course, since that was always his plan), but Sasori decided there'd been enough carnage for one day.

"Hey, un. More trick or treaters!" Deidara happily announced, rummaging in his bag for more clay. His face fell into a pout.

"No more clay, brat?" Sasori drawled. "Such a pity."

Sasori failed to see the middle finger Deidara gave him as he turned to see the new trick or treaters approach. There were four, one adult and three teens. The adult was dressed in the most satanic costume ever conceived. Sasori could hardly believe his eyes. Deidara started to whimper, and hid behind the puppet.

"Oh my God oh my God oh my God..." Deidara chanted to himself.

For, the costume that the tall man wore was the very likeness of a certain green clay devil, the very same creature the Akatsuki's mailbox took the form of. Yes. It was..._Gumby_.

"HAPPY HALLOWEEN!" the man bellowed. The two Akatsuki shuddered. They'd never imagined Gumby would sound so enthusiastic.

"It is the springtime of youth, and I am the beautiful green beast, Maito Gai!"

"You mean Gumby, right sir?" the one dressed as Harry Potter exclaimed just as loudly. The two Akatsuki shuddered again at the mention of the hellish name.

"Can you give us some candy so we can go already?" the other teen boy said dully. He appeared to be coated with several kilos of glitter. It sparkled on his pale skin every time he moved. The only girl, painted up just as pale, lacked the glitter. She looked equally as exasperated, though.

"We don't have...any more c-c-candy, un," Deidara whispered, blue eyes staring fearfully up at the Gumby man.

"Well can you tell us if you've seen Sakura-chan?" Harry Potter asked, pointing a stick at the blond.

"Who?" Sasori asked. Everyone snickered. Sasori sighed.

"Merlin's Beard, I didn't even notice you! HEDWIG!" Lee squealed, pulling Sasori up into a bone crushing hug.

"I'm not a head wig, I'm an owl. And we're out of candy. So, go away."

"But what about Sakura-chan?" Lee asked, eyes brimming with tears.

"Lee," the girl sighed, "we've been all over town looking for her. I'm tired, and I'm sick of being harrassed by Twilight fans."

No sooner had Tenten said this, did a gaggle of teen girls run up to the house, squealing at Neji and attacking Tenten with their pumpkin buckets.

"EDWARD'S MINE!"

"GET AWAY FROM HIM, MARY SUE!"

"EWWWW, IT'S BELLA, KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

Tenten AKA Bella was about to break out her weapons when Gai stepped in. All he had to do was smile, and the girls ran for cover. After all, a Gai in a Gumby suit _was _rather terrifying. Neji scratched at the glitter glued to his face, wincing. He had a bad feeling he was alergic. Sparkling vampires...this was the worst halloween costume ever. Next year, Neji thought about boycotting Halloween altogether. Sitting at home watching bad slasher movies was a hell of a lot better than following around a giant Satanic green bean and The Boy Who Lived.

Without candy or their Sakura-chan, Team Gai started to leave, but Lee spotted the Death Eaters tied up on the porch, and brandished his wand.

"I challenge you to a duel!" Lee yelled to Orochimort, and threw his stick at him.

"Ow!" Orochimort yelped, clutching at his eye where the stick poked him.

"Serves you right for killing my parents!"

"Okay, Lee, I think you've had enough candy tonight," Tenten said, and she and Neji pulled Lee away. Another Death Eater got free of his bonds and lunged at Lee, crying out "OROCHIMARU-SAMA!" as he did so. Another fight broke out. Sasori and Deidara turned off their porch light and went inside, leaving the wizards, vampires, mary sue and Gumby to duke it out.

xxx

The few guests that managed to survive the Zetsu Pac-Man and Konan's party dip started to leave, and Pein was relieved. It was a lot more trouble than it was worth, throwing a Halloween party. Next year, they'd just stay in. To hell with it all. Plus, he figured it was only a matter of time until the FBI was knocking at their door with a battering ram, since Hidan was still on the loose, and Deidara had killed quite a few innocent people. Plus, there was still some sort of commotion going on outside on the porch.

The Akatsuki leader sighed, and settled into a shitty horror movie. Konan, still in her Snow White costume, rested her head on his lap, and Pein drifted off to sleep...

He heard a piercing scream, and jumped awake. It was dark, the TV screen was just static. He felt a reassuring hand on his thigh, and thinking it was Konan, he laid his hand on hers. Only, the skin felt deathly cold and rough. There was a foul stench in the air. Pein turned to ask Konan if Zetsu had left his dinner on the floor...but instead of Konan's smooth, young face, he saw a rotting corpse. A worm wriggled out of its empty eye sockets, and Pein screamed, jumping to his feet. He stumbled backwards, fell, and everything faded to black.

"AAAARGH!" Pein screamed, eyes snapping open. He was back on the couch. The TV was the same snowy static. But he was alone this time. No zombie. He thought he heard bells, and he looked around the room. High heels clicked on the kitchen floor, bells jingling with every step. Pein eyed the entrance to the kitchen warily, and Konan stepped through, wearing a naughty Mrs. Claus outfit. Pein didn't know what the hell to think.

"Why'd you change your costume?" he asked.

"What are you talking about? This is the same one from earlier." She looked equally as puzzled as Pein felt.

"No...you were dressed as Snow White. And I was the Six Dwarfs..." Pein looked down at himself for the first time. He was wearing a horrid green sweater with a reindeer on it. What the hell was going on?

"What happened with the fight outside? Did the cops show up? Hidan ever come back? And whatever became of the Ninja Snacker?"

Konan laughed and sauntered over to Pein, sitting in his lap.

"I think," she said, taking off her hat and placing it on Pein's head, "you've had too many candy canes, dear."

"But...it's Halloween," Pein insisted. Konan's eyes widened.

"No, it's Christmas Eve. What's in those candy canes anyway?"

"What indeed," Pein murmured.

xxx

END


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